Villainy Stuff 101
by Cherry Blossom Geisha
Summary: Where certain ninjas assemble to learn how to be a proper villain.


I do not own naruto.

* * *

"Alright! Class has started! So all of you shut up sit your butts down!"

The mysterious woman, who had just kicked the door down, strode confidently to the desk situated in the front of the classroom with nothing more than notebook and pen in hand. As she set the book down, she opened the cover and pulled out a small packet of loose leaf papers that read ' **syllabus** ' in bold letters.

"Pass these out," she commanded as she shoved the papers to a boy with silver hair.

"-censored- you, " he muttered under his breath, not caring if she heard or not.

She did, and she chose to ignore it. Instead, she took a piece of white chalk and began writing "Villainy stuff 101" on the chalkboard.

Once the shuffling of papers stopped, to which she assumed everyone had one at that point, she turned around and finally observed her students for the first time.

In all there were twenty students in her class. In all, they seemed.. colorful. The majority of them took their seats far away from one another, with the exception of four who kind of huddled up in a corner in the back of the classroom.

'Probably a gang of lowkey thugs with no rep,' she thought to herself.

"Alright!" She finally said, placing both hands on her desk. "I'm taking roll. When I call your name, just say here."

Senpai flipped the page in the book. "Okay. Dei Dara?"

"Here, hn."

"Haku?"

"Here." A girl with long black hair with very pale skin answered.

Senpai raised an eyebrow. "You seem a little too delicate to be in this class ma'am. Are you sure you can handle it?"

Haku smiled. "Of course. But I'm not a girl, I'm a boy."

"Okaaayy keep telling yourself that," Senpai muttered. "Hidan?"

"..."

"Hidan?"

"..."

She wrote the word "absent" next to his name. "Uchiha Itachi?"

"Here." A boy with black hair and what appears to be wrinkles on his face responded.

"How old are you?" she asked.

"Old enough."

"Fair enough. Jiroubou?"

"Here."

"Kabuto?"

Another boy with silver hair pulled back in a ponytail with glasses raised his hand. "Here."

"Kakuzu?"

"Here." Another boy with glowing green eyes in a hoodie answered.

 _Weirdo.._ she thought. "Kidomaru?"

A kid with six arms raised three of them. "Here."

 _Nevermind, that's weirder._ "Hoshigaki Kisame?"

She heard a chuckle coming from a blue thing next to the Uchiha kid. "Here." he said, revealing his sharp, razor teeth.

 _And there's a shark as a student. What the hell. The weirdness scale just keeps escalating_. "Konan?"

A blue haired girl next to the window in the front row barely mumbled "here" before turning her attention back to her origami project.

"Mizuki?"

"Here."

"Orochimaru?"

"Presssssent."

"No need to be extra, man. I simply asked for a simple 'here'." _you creep._

"Pein?"

"Here."

"Sakon?"

"Here."

"Tayuya?"

"Here."

"Tobi?"

"Tobi's here! Tobi's here Senpai! Tobi's a good boy!"

 _Damn kid's too energetic.. needs some ritalin.._

"Zabuza?"

"Here."

"And finally, Zetsu?"

"Here. **But not for long. I'm hungry.** "

"Anybody who's name I did not call?"

Hidan raised his hand. "I didn't get called."

Senpai shot him a glare. "I called your name but you didn't answer."

"Bitch I was praying."

"Pay attention in class. Pray later."

"-censored- I do what I want."

"Don't test my patience, boy."

"-censored- you."

Senpai's eyebrow twitched. "Alright then," she closed the book, ignoring Hidan. "My name is Senpai, and you will address me as such. Get it? Got it? Good, moving on." she said without giving them a chance to respond.

"Everyone look at the paper in front of you and follow along. If you have questions, too bad. I'm only explaining everything once. The syllabus is as follows,"

* * *

 **Class: Villainy Stuff 101**

 **Times:** Everyday Mon-Sun 12:00 midnight

 **Professor** : Senpai (That's all you need to know).

 **Professor Contact Info** : You don't need to be bothering me outside the classroom

 **Course Description** : In this course, you will learn to be exemplary villains worthy of being ranked as an S-ranked criminal in the bingo book. You will walk in here a loser and walk out of here as a force to be reckoned with. You will learn to:

Define your purpose as a villain.

Kidnap people effectively.

Make babies cry.

Make nonnegotiable demands for hostages on your terms.

Kill people effortlessly and cleanly.

Learn to dress stylishly as a villain.

Spying without getting caught (because I know some of you peek in on the females in the bathhouse from time to time and this is to ensure you don't get caught, you idiots).

How to properly disguise yourself in sticky situations

Steal candy from babies.

And not particularly in that order. All you need to know is that all these topics are going to be covered at some point in time.

Hopefully,

Possibly

If you don't get yourselves killed first.

 **Books** : You don't need them, I think.

 **Guest Speakers:** There will be guest speakers (the reviewers *wink wink*) to teach you idiots how to be a proper villain. Pay attention or you'll be writing a thirty page paper on how you're an idiot for not listening to golden advice that will make you less pathetic.

 **Homework** : There will be homework once I think of something.

Word of advice: Don't piss me off.

 **Exams** : are interactive. I will give you an assignment and a due date and your classmates will be watching you as you do your assignment. So don't screw up or prepare to be the example of what not to do and the laughingstock of the classroom.

 **Grades** : You will be graded depending upon your responses for the essay questions that will be assigned when I feel like it.. and the exams. Deal with it.

 **Withdraw Policy** : There is none, because you can't withdraw.. Alive anyway.

 **Office Hours** : When I say so. any other time, don't bother me.

 **Late Policy** : If you're late to my class, you become either a target for target practice or a punching bag for that week or whatever I see fit. And no, you cannot defend yourself in any way, shape, or form. **No exceptions.**

 **E.T.C.** : I can add more lessons if I feel like it

* * *

"Questions? Comments? Complaints?"

Dei Dara raised his mouth covered hand.

"What?"

"Why do we have to make babies cry, hm?"

"Because kid, that's just protocol. Next."

He put his hand down. "That makes no sense, hm."

"Those mouths on your hands anatomically don't make sense."

Hidan turned back to the blonde kid laughing almost too hysterically. "Ahahahahahahaha! She told you!"

" **Can someone tell that pretty boy over there to shut up**?" Zetsu asked.

Hidan turned his head back to Zetsu, a sneer plastered all over his face.

"Mind your own damn, -censored-censored- business, -asswipe."

"Mind yours, imbecile." Kabuto chimed in.

"-censored- FIGHT ME!"

"FIGHT CLUB! FIGHT CLUB!" Toni chanted.

Haku raised his hand. "What kind of ways are we going to learn to kill people?"

"Oh you know, basics, like how to stab someone in their neck, how to cut someone's face off, and how to kill someone with a plastic spoon." Senpai shrugged.

"Tobi wants to learn how to kill someone with a plastic spoon!"

"Yeah, yeah. We'll get to that, eventually. Anymore questions?"

"Will we be doing group projectssssss?"

"I told you to stop doing all that extra shit, snake kid. But yes we will be doing group projects at some point in time."

"Fantasssssstic. Isssssn't that great Itachi-kun?"

"Hn."

Kakuzu raised his hand. "Will we get paid for the assignments that we do?"

"No. I don't get paid enough here as is. How am I going to pay you to do something you're supposed to do?"

"Correction then," he growled. "Can we bounty hunt during the assignment?"

Senpai rolled her eyes. "Sure. What the hell do I care?"

"You mongul. Is all you care about is money?" The red headed kid playing with puppets asked.

 _I think his name is Sasori.._ Senpai thought.

"You should invest your time in art. It's a lot more valuable than paper currency."

"Kakuzu scowled at him. "Art does not pay the bills around here, puppet."

"Hey Senpai! Hn! Speaking of which, are we going to be able to do art projects in here?"

Senpai's eyebrow twitched. "Does art projects appear anywhere in the syllabus?"

"No, but it says-"

"Glad we had this conversation. Next."

"Are we done here?" Pein asked. "I've got things to do."

" **And people to eat**." Zetsu added.

 _I'm kind of hungry too_.. She thought.

"Alright losers! Class dismissed for the day! Get out of my classroom I'll see you tomorrow."

As everyone shuffled out of the classroom, Hidan stayed behind.

"What the hell do you want?"

"Watch your -censored-censored- back, bitch." he said before walking out. Hidan just barely caught the kunai aiming at his head.

"Watch yours, too."

He narrowed his eyes at her before stepping out of the door.

 _This is about to be an interesting year._

* * *

Next: Lesson #1: What is your purpose as a villain?


End file.
